Relationships. What feeling does that word provoke within you? When we ask that question to folks across the world, we will get a whole slew of answers. I find it interesting that relationships are troublesome to many, yet it is what most of us cherish and desire most. I'm referring to all kinds of relationships here. Family, friends, lovers, co-workers, roommates, etc. Why do they trouble us?
Don't ask me! I hope you weren't looking for me to answer that question for you. Your answer is within you, and that is what coaching is all about. Finding your OWN answers. What I can talk about though, is how relationships have transformed through coaching, and practicing holistic living. My life story was your typical, "my childhood was hard, my parents sucked, my partners all left me and cheated, I can't do anything right, wah wah wah." Ok, fine. I'll tell you a story. A true story. A little piece of me. When I was 12. I was molested. (Wow, didn't expect I was going to talk about that) 12 years old can be a very confusing age for a young lady as it is, going through her bodily changes and all. Those are the years where we really learn about our relationship to our bodies. Being molested taught me that my body was free reign, and not to be respected. Not even by me. It taught me that in order to get attention, in order to get love, in order to feel good, I need to give myself away until I have nothing left. ...I'm 32, and realizing this connection on a deeper level as we speak. This is as live-feed as it gets... Coming from this mindset of giving myself away until I have nothing left, you can only imagine the types of relationships I created for myself. I would never express my feelings properly in situations when people would hurt me and do harmful things to me, because I didn't want to lose their attention and "safety." I had a hard time sharing the love I had for them as well, out of fear of being rejected if they didn't feel the same. Sharing compliments that I meant from my heart, literally made my veins bulge in my forehead, filling my chest with anxiety until I finally cried, choking out the words I love you. On the other hand, unbeknownst to me, I was controlling and demanding. Being so afraid of losing someone, I put impossible expectations on their behavior towards me so that they would fail and I could punish them. Usually my punishment was the silent treatment, breaking up, running away. Avoidance. Avoidance is a great word for this. But what was I REALLY avoiding? I was avoiding Love. The whole time. I was avoiding the pain of losing Love, of not getting what I want. Leaving, avoiding, running away, are great ways of tricking myself into believing I have control. Think about it. If I leave before they leave me, then I win. Right? Yikes! THAT is how my relationships have been in a nutshell. Now, as an evolving human, just like everyone else, I am not perfect. Nor do I wish to be perfect. I wish to be happy, to be peaceful, to be loving. How could I possibly do that when I am looking outside of myself to be fulfilled? It's insanity! Literally. I needed a coach, and mentor to tell me how crazy I was being. Sometimes I really hated when they asked probing questions. My defenses were THICK. However, like a fish in water, you can't know you're in it, until you experience being out of it for the first time. BOOM. That was the sound of the first relationship where I became aware of my avoiding everything. It wasn't pretty. I tried like hell to run away, but unfortunately, no matter how far I got, I still felt awful on the inside, and she still loved me. BOOM. That is the sound of the realization that the relationship I need to enhance most, is the relationship with myself, my own body, my own love, my own spirituality and beliefs, my own career/skills, my own prosperity, my own health, just me. Me, myself, and I. When I'm right with myself on the inside, its amazing how different the world on the outside looks, even if its exactly the same. It's magical really. I don't understand it, and I don't need to understand it. I am just grateful these days when the change in perspective comes. BOOM. That is the sound of the first time I realized I am not a victim to anyone or anything, unless I choose to be, and even then I am choosing it. In essence, being a victim isn't even real. Molested or not. It happened, so what. It was that very experience that eventually brought me to my knees in a desperation that led me straight onto a path of self-discovery and healing. Had that not happened, maybe I would have never gotten desperate enough to seek a change. To seek something different and new for my life. I cant tell you, the journey has NOT been easy...but it HAS been absolutely wonderful. My coaches and mentors, yes multiples of them, and Holistic practices have saved my life. They were with me step by step, helping to guide me along my way. Because of them, years of pain, suffering, resentment, fear, and whatever else that weighed me down, began to melt away. Sometimes my burdens melted quickly, and other times, it took me a little longer to let go. I am still evolving, and always will be. I strive to not expect perfection for myself. I have learned to not put impossible expectations on my behavior for myself, so that I can justify my own self-punishment, just like I did in my relationships with others. Today, I accept myself for who I am, where I am, how I am. There's really nothing else I can do about the rest. The world will be as it is. I get to choose today how I want to show up. That is a power within me, that is always within you, and everyone, that I didn't realize we even had. What a freedom, what a gift. I thank God for it every day, and I thank God that your eyes and heart were able to read this blog post today. Feel free to share the love!
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Rebecca Griffin
Owner and Founder of RLG Holistic Life Coaching & Reiki. Archives
August 2017
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